2011 in Review

2011.

What a great year. I'd have to say, one of the best of my life (if not the best). Felt like a movie. Didn't start off great. Heartbroken, lost, lonely, cowardly, whatever you want to call it. Didn't look pretty. Through the first months it was a lot of finding myself, losing myself, losing control, regretting a lot of actions but at the same time learning a lot. Times where I can pinpoint the exact moments when I realized things would never be the same.

But that's the beauty of 2011. It was a complete come up. As Tupac said, 'Everything's a come up. Everything is a struggle. You start from the bottom, work it to the top.' I developed a new plateau in mindset, a new standard of living, a new standard of moral obligation, a new standard of hard work, diligence, persistence, consistency. Starting over, with love, with passion, with all my heart.

And I ended the year on the opposite side of the spectrum. Happy as can be, not much I could complain about. Do I wish things were different then? Sure, I made mistakes. I wish I could go back, prevent unnecessary troubles. I wish I could tell my old self what to think, what others were thinking. Actions I needed to take, traps I needed to avoid. Do I wish things would be different now? Sure, I wish I had second chances with an old friend, a new friend, my dream girl, hell, even a stranger. Am I scared for the future? Sure, who knows if I made a good career choice, if my future family will be affected by my actions, who knows if I'll ever be the same with certain people, who knows if I'll meet another girl who seems perfect for me? Am I smarter/wiser now? I hope, but who knows? I'm still young, there's less than a handful of things I know I want in this life, and I have no idea how to get there. I may have done well in school, but when it comes to life, I feel pretty far behind on where I need to be.

But that's just me reflecting. Ask me if I'm sad, if I'm bitter, even regretful, and my answer is no. This was a one of a kind experience that I needed at this point in my life. I witnessed so much in others and in myself. Love, hate, negligence, obliviousness, prioritization, favoritism, friendship. I've witnessed demons, I've felt the devil at work. But I've also been lifted by angels, brought in by those that matter. Can you believe that? It's 2011 and we still have a prodigal son in the making.

This is all pretty vague, I know. If you're interested in knowing details, let me know. I'd love to share, but this kind of thing I feel is important to say in real time. It's important for you to hear/see/feel me. What happened to me this year was real, I want you to experience it with me.

I'm happy with the year, if you were in my life in any way, I'm grateful. I can't wait to see what 2012 has in store. Big changes are coming, I'm fighting to make it the best year for us. Here we come!

2011 Albums

So I was reading Rolling Stone the other day and it was listing these 'great' albums of 2011. I wrote some of them down, including: Radiohead, Decemberists, Fleet Foxes, Cage the Elephant, Das Racist, Panda Bear, The Roots, Yelawolf. I went home and listened to most songs on Spotify (which I recently downloaded, it's pretty cool). I was really surprised at how bad all of them were. I usually don't like the super popular radio hits, but I figured I'd at least find a few songs that I liked in there. But wow, these all sucked. Who knew out of all of those I would say that Yelawolf was my favorite? Seriously, this guy?

What a clown. But the album was way better than I thought it'd be, I guess Eminem knows talent.

Also, Troy Barnes from Community, that guy can rap too. Rap name is Childish Gambino, taken from a Wu-Tang Clan Name Generator. Camp is probably my favorite album of the year. Maybe I'm biased because I like his character on Community, but I think he is actually really talented as a rapper. Lots of metaphors, lots of clever puns. If you want to hear some of my favorite songs: Bonfire, You See Me, Sunrise, That Power.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xJFBGpCNvRQ

The top comment for the song is funny: 

this entire album is just a quirky nerdy guy unleashing his inner gangster rapper, and no matter how loud and dirty it gets, his inner nerd always presents itself. and holy balls is it fantastic.

LCD Soundsystem - All my friends

If the sun comes up, if the sun comes up, if the sun comes up
And I still don't wanna stagger home
Then it's the memory of our betters
That are keeping us on our feet

You spend the first five years trying to get with the plan
and the next five years trying to be with your friends again

And to tell the truth
Oh this could be the last time
So here we go
Like a sales force into the night

And if I made a fool, if I made a fool, if I made a fool
On the road, there's always this
And if I'm sewn into submission
I can still come home to this

If I could see all of my friends tonight...

I wouldn't trade one stupid decision for another five years of life

Reunion

Today there was a 5 year reunion for my high school. Kind of crazy how time flies. Didn't go to the reunion, it felt weird. First off, it's only been five years. I feel like I pretty much know what's going on with everybody who was important to me in high school. And if not, it's 2011, we have internet, we have facebook, we have so many means of getting in touch with people. If there was someone I really wanted to talk to/see, it could probably be easily arranged. It'd be fun to see some people, sure, but reunion just makes it sound weird to me.

I also feel like I might have this hidden insecurity buried deep in my mind. It's been six years since I played football, I'm sure people don't care about it now, I don't. But I felt like back in high school I let a lot of people down. Playing a crosstown rival, we're supposed to be competitive after getting whooped the year before. It's a weird feeling to have people chanting your name one minute and the next minute there's nothing but silence. A complete stop in time followed by a slow realization that you can't do what you set out to do. I wish I had the moment back. I wish I never broke my leg, sometimes I wonder what the game/rest of the season would've been like if I didn't. But even after the fact, I wish I would've done things differently. I let the trainers control too much, I shut down. And I let it get worse in the following weeks/months. But I learned a lot from it, I guess it made me stronger, made me a better person.

Back to the point, I let down a lot of people, in my mind at least. I couldn't look at some people without wondering what they really thought of me. Looking back, it was kind of foolish, I'm sure no one really cared. Maybe they did, maybe they didn't. Maybe that's what's keeping me from wanting to see them again. Maybe it's just because I hate asking the same questions to a bunch of people I won't see until the next reunion. Maybe it's just because it's been five years.

Unstoppable Movement

TED Talk on starting a movement

http://www.ted.com/talks/lang/en/derek_sivers_how_to_start_a_movement.html

with the actual video with sound
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GA8z7f7a2Pk&feature=related

the TED Talk is actually very interesting. If you want the sparknotes for it:
- The first follower is an underestimated form of leadership
- A leader without followers is just a crazy person
- A movement must be public. It's important not to show just the leader, but the followers. Because new followers emulate the followers, not the leader.
- If you really care about starting a movement, have the courage to follow and show others how to follow. And when you find a lone nut doing something great, have the guts to be the first one to stand up and join in.

Real talk.

Monthly Challenge Update

December's challenge was to write every day. I was originally planning on writing to one person a day, but didn't work out that way. It's been taking a lot longer than expected to write a lot less than I was hoping. It's hard to write to people when you haven't done it in a long time (or at all), even if those people are the closest ones to you. It's become awkward for me to just tell someone that I appreciate them, I love them, that my life is better because of them. And that's a problem. People need to know. There's too much negative energy floating around in this world. We need our friends to lift spirits, we need each other to show we're wanted, to show there is love. Evil, neglect, insincerity will take care of itself. They'll find their way to our door. Trust me, they don't need anybody's help. They'll attack us daily, whether we're ready or not.

"But I see now that whether I show up for work or not, the evil forces are going to beat me. They're going to come 100 percent, so if I don't be 100 percent pure-hearted, I'm going to lose. And that's why I'm losing..." - Tupac

Friends don't need reminders of what they can't do. Friends don't deserve negative energy from us. Not saying that as friends we should never reveal anything bad about each other, but there's definitely different ways to voice your opinion, to tell someone you don't like what they're doing .

Positive energy. From a pure heart. With love.

"Every day I'm breathing, it's for us to go further." -Tupac

Dreams

I've been having intense dreams lately. I feel like I'm going crazy, I don't really know if I should explain any of them to people because they're so ridiculous, but at the same time they make me worry so much.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s4G4mcYOXMA

Riot in a Dream | What does it mean when I dream about riot?

To dream of riots, foretells disappointing affairs. To see a friend killed in a riot, you will have bad luck in all undertakings, and the death, or some serious illness, of some person will cause you distress.

It's 3 AM and I wanna go to bed, I got a lady, running through my head... - O.A.R.

Last night I saw you in my dream, now I can't wait to go to sleep - Kanye

Future

Decided on my job earlier this week. Took a big 'pay cut' to work in San Diego rather than Seattle. It was a really tough decision, really tough thinking about my future, how much money I'll make, what kind of life can I provide for my family, my kids. Growing up I always thought I didn't need much money, I didn't really care about the high status jobs. But when the situation finally came up, it was a lot harder to decide.

Ultimately, in life I just want to be happy. I want my friends and family to be happy, and I think that's about as far as it goes. If I can work on that, my life can be considered successful. Hopefully, money won't be an issue, hopefully I won't be raising my kids in the future thinking, what if I took the Boeing job?

Something I wrote a while back: I don't live this life for recognition, for a title, No, that only shows what I have done in the past. What I'm really concerned about is the future. I live this life to know that the future is better off
because I forced the universe to move in that direction. Let me live for hope of the future, not remembrance of the past.

'I cannot afford to waste all of my time making money.' - Louis Agassiz

You can do it

Who says you can't?
No one can gauge your heart. No one can tell you how much you can and can't give.

"That's once again the same people who told me I was too small, the same people who said I couldn't win a Super Bowl with our offense, the same people who said I couldn't play in a 3-4... are they with me when I get up every morning at 6:30 to go to work?" - Ray Lewis

November/December Monthly Challenge

November is done! I'm pretty happy to be done with it, this month wasn't as much fun as expected.

Pictures are fun sometimes. But it's not supposed to be a chore, life shouldn't be experienced through a lens.

Excited for December's Monthly Challenge. I will be writing a letter/ working on writing a letter every day.

"You are never too old to set another goal or to dream another dream." - C.S. Lewis

Real Talk

"All I want from you today, is all you've got."

Thankful

Thanksgiving. Pretty awesome for me, I have so much to be thankful for. During this 4 day weekend, I've already seen old friends, made new ones, played a competitive football game, had mom's cooking (best food ever), saw an awesome sunset, and took a nap. Who knows what else is in store for the weekend?

Life can be stressful, not every day has to be a good day. But I think you can make every day all right if you approach it right. Holidays like this help. We get to look back and think of how fortunate we are. I've always had a home, a place to live as well as a supportive family and group of friends. I've never had to worry about food, I'm healthy, physically and mentally (I think). I feel like every day becomes more and more beautiful. My friend once told me something along the lines of 'nature and life are so beautiful, they have a way of taking care of themselves, working themselves out, which allows us to worry about the things that don't matter.' Sometimes we get caught up in these things that don't matter, so it's nice to have days to just be happy that the grass is growing towards us.

I used to think it was kind of lame that we needed Thanksgiving to tell someone that we appreciate them as a friend/family member/ anything else. Why can't you just say it whenever, why do you need this holiday as an excuse to say it? But the truth is, I don't say it enough. Sometimes it's awkward to 'randomly' tell someone that you appreciate them. And if this holiday helps to open up, rebuild relationships, maintain friendships, show love, then I'm all for it.

"Always eat everything on your plate." - Mom

Stay Loose, Be Confident

Today was the first time in a very long time that I really panicked. Actually, it made me think about all of college, and I couldn't think of a single time that I was so stressed out about something. And it's pretty ridiculous because I'm in probably the best situation I could be in, and my problem might fix itself by tomorrow. I have great friends, great support, great options for the future. But for some reason I almost broke down. I started thinking, I don't know what to do, I don't who to listen to, I don't know if 'following my heart' is enough. How much money is going to be enough? How will I handle living on my own? What's the best career path? What do I really want to do?

And then it just came back to two things my high school football coaches told me. First, "Stay loose, and adjust." - Coach Cooper.
 I hear it all the time in my head. We had new coaches, a completely new defense that kept changing every day. Coaches were telling us different things, everyone's confused, team's falling apart. And those four words, for whatever reason, focused me. I had a new mentality for the rest of the season, and really, for the rest of my life. I still think of those words today and live by it, no matter how simple/silly it sounds.
Second, "You're locking their one all day. Just do what you do."- Coach Arneson.
When I was a sophomore, the speed of varsity was too much for me. Everything was a blur. During a camp the next summer, Arneson told me, not only was I going to start, but I would be guarding the best receiver. But the way he said it, the way he gave it to me, he gave me so much confidence. I went out and played really well. It's a really weird thing, but everything slowed down. Dramatically, almost movie-like. I was no longer struggling to keep up, I was in total control. I wish that everyone could feel what I felt that day at least once in their life.

Back to today. I realized, I need to just be confident in what I know I can do. Slow things down, roll with the punches. I've been picked for a reason, I'm in a good situation, I just need to work hard and good things will follow.

"That's a champion. Because if I was on the outside looking in, that's somebody who ain't afraid to work. And anybody who ain't afraid to work, greatness will chase them, most of the time they don't have to chase it." - Ray Lewis

Singing

I'm a terrible singer, one of the worst. But I don't mind making an ass of myself, and I love hanging out with friends. Did some karaoke this weekend and have just been listening to great songs for the past few days. 

Good morning, look at the valedictorian, scared of the future while I hop in the Delorean. Scared to face the world, complacent career student. Some people graduate, but we still stupid. They tell you read this, eat this, don't look around just peep this, preach us, teach us, Jesus. Okay look up now, they done stole your streetness. After all of that, you receive this, Good Morning.

Don't worry, about a thing, cause every little thing, gonna be all right.

If I had eyes in the back of my head, I would have told you that you looked good as I walked away.

No one's perfect. And if you think that you can't count your mistakes, think again, cause I know that you can. Dear sir, I'm pretty sure that we grow every day, based on simple mistakes that we make.

Since I met you I begun to feel so strange, every time I speak your name... I don't need all those things that used to bring me joy, you make me such a happy boy. And honey you'll always be the one for me, meeting you was me destiny.

The hard times make a true friend afraid to ask, for currency, but you could run to me when you need me, I never leave, I just need someone to believe in, as you can see. It's a small thing through and true, what could I do? Real homies help you get through, and coming new, he'd do the same thing if he could, cause in the hood true homies make you feel good.

11/16

"Somebody said to me, ‘wow, so you’re really beating the grim reaper.’ And I said to him, ‘we don’t beat the reaper by living longer, we beat the reaper by living well and living fully, for the reaper will come for all of us. The question is what do we do between the time we’re born and the time he shows up. Because when he shows up, it’s too late to do the things that you’re going to kind of get around to." Randy Pausch

We all owe God a death, it's a shame some are taken so early. But from death we learn, we reflect, we reprioritize. It's been five years since Whitney passed. She looked out for me when we were kids, and I'm sure even now she's looking over all of those who were close to her. I've moved on, but not away from her, rather with her even closer to my heart.

November Update

Monthly Challenge Update

Taking one picture a day. One picture and one picture only. Also taking a notebook with me everywhere.

Some things I've learned this month. Notebook's pretty handy to keep around. Nothing really interesting I've written, but it's nice to have when I want to remember something. I'm not a great photographer, a lot of the pictures are blurry. Sometimes I would get upset about the picture, because I only get one. If the picture was bad, I would get mad that I didn't take more time to make sure it was right.

A big thing I realized is that looking back, every picture could have been better in some way. A lot of of days I had a picture in my mind, and I would be excited to take a picture, but somehow I would miss it or the thing I imagined wouldn't happen. There were some days where I said, 'I'm going to take a picture when we do this'. And I would take a picture, but even then, I would look at the picture and say oh this isn't right, this could have been better.

But this is why pictures aren't so great. They're a second hand experience. When I look at the picture, I think of what's wrong with it. But when I think about the time, it seems like it was perfect. I've been having so much fun these past few months. I've been sincerely happy. In a lot of these days where I was taking a picture I would think 'there's nowhere else I would rather be right now, there's nothing else I would rather do than this. I'm living the dream, life is good.' But the pictures don't capture that. They never will.

I never liked when people took massive amounts of pictures. But I kind of see the value in looking back at pictures and reminiscing the good times. I think all you need is one. We'll see, still half a month to go!

Murmurations

A collection of starlings is called a murmuration.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TeA_P3Bn9Yw&feature=youtu.be

I saw this video and thought it was pretty awesome. It also made me wonder, do animals ever see what we do and think it's amazing/beautiful/incredible? Do birds ever look at us and think, wow those buildings those humans are making are pretty spectacular? Probably not, since they crap all over them, but there's got to be something impressive that we're doing, right?

Warrior

When everything falls apart, true warriors stand up

'Warriors don't ask questions, they give answers. They don't play house, they build homes. They don't make babies, they raise children. They don't invent excuses for failure, they produce strategies for success. They don't look for somebody to take care of them, they look for someone to take care of. They don't seek popularity, they  demand respect.'

'When you challenge a warrior, a warrior responds.'

'I'm one of the greatest warriors, one of the greatest servants on this earth.'

'If you can't find something to live for, you best find something to die for.'

Monthly Challenge

October is done!
Pull ups- 1350
average - 45 per day
last few days were hard, happy to be finished.

My challenges for next month:

1. Bring a notebook with me. Write down any questions I have at any time of day and look the answers up. Or write down whatever I feel like writing down.

2. Take one picture a day. Interesting part about this one is it's one picture and one picture only. Gotta make it count!

Should be fun! Can't wait for tomorrow!

"Every day when I'm breathing, it's for us to go farther." -Tupac

Climbing

I went rock climbing today for the first time. It's really hard and really fun. I think the part I like the most about it is failing. I think I was only able to make it to the top on a few of them, and they were the easiest ones. There were also ones where I couldn't even get halfway up. But failing made me want to come back at it harder. My body (especially my forearms) gave up on me, but my mind was always fighting for more. It felt good.

Something that came up after, I still hadn't done my 15 pull ups for the day. So when I got back home I tried to do it. But my forearm was done, I couldn't even grip the bar with my right hand. First I tried one handed pull ups with my left hand. No dice. I thought maybe I could just skip the day, since I was basically doing a whole bunch of pull ups while climbing. But I decided to do it, I tied my right hand on to the bar and did one pull up at a time until I got to the 15. Definitely the hardest day of my challenge, it took about 30 minutes to finish. But it made me think, at most, I only need to spend half an hour on this challenge. It made me realize:

- Every day, you should be able to do at least one thing that you want to do.
- You can most likely find at least one thing that you want to do every day that will take less than 30 minutes.
- If you're not a) in jail b) in a cage c) a slave d) something else really extreme, you should be able to find 30 minutes in your day to do that something you want to do.

Wouldn't it be really sad if you went through a day and realized that you didn't do one thing that you really wanted to do? Obvious answer, of course, but sometimes it does happen. We get sucked into routine, going through motions, pushing things for a later time because something else is 'more important'. But every day our soul needs refilling. I remember reading this article saying, think of your body as a car that operates 24/7. You would never expect your car to get you from one place to the next without systematic refueling, just as you know there's no point in putting more gas in the tank than it's designed to hold. But that's how we operate our bodies sometimes. We run on empty, super hungry, then overeat. It basically says that this style of eating is almost counterproductive in terms of working out.

I feel the same way about happiness. You can't stock up in one day and expect it to get you through the week. Working for the weekend isn't enough. You need to find something you can do every day that is just for you. Doesn't have to take much time, doesn't even necessarily have to be productive. Just something that you do because you decide you want to do it. And that's why I tied my hand up today, because it's something I wanted to do, because I wanted to climb up and get better.

'Today is the best day to get better.'

Music

Music is awesome. Some of the songs I've been listening to recently:

A Lack of Color - Death Cab for Cutie
Ain't No Fun - Kurupt, Nate Dogg, Snoop, Warren G
Midnight City - M83
Young Blood - The Naked and Famous
Cudderisback - Kid Cudi
aNYway - Duck Sauce
Pop Culture - Madeon
Freaks and Geeks - Childish Gambino
Good Morning, Good Morning - Easy All Stars
Walking on a Dream - Empire of the Sun
Hands Held High - Linkin Park
The Groove Line - Heatwave
James Franco - Hoodie Allen
Broken - Jack Johnson
Shake Your Body - The Jacksons
Little L - Jamiroquai
I Wanna Be Your Lover - Prince
I'm not a Star - Rick Ross
Love Lost - Temper Trap
Young, Wild and Free - Wiz Khalifa and Snoop
Can't C Me - 2pac
You Only Live Once - The Strokes

Music I can't stand: Dubstep, it's the new auto-tune
Music I can't decide on: OFWGKTA. A little too hard core, but have something interesting about them.
Music I'm a huge fan of: Certain styles of Kid Cudi. When he's good, he's awesome
Music I might become a huge fan of: Kendrick Lamar, crowned new King of the West Coast.

"When the rich wage war, it's the poor who die " - Fort Minor in Hands Held High
"Because everything I've been working for was only worth nickels and dimes
But if I had a minute for every hour that I've wasted I'd be rich in time, I'd be doing fine
Without you I was broken, but I'd rather be broke down with you by my side "
-Jack Johnson in Broken

Solved

Solved the Rubik's Cube! I think I got a little lucky, but I'll take it. It was pretty difficult. I ended up solving it pretty differently than I did for the 3x3x3. Very exciting, now off to other things.

In other news, I'm so glad to realize how great some of my friends are. There may not be many, but they make all the difference.

'Friends are God's way of taking care of us.'

Rubik's Cube

I recently got a gift. It was a 3x3x4 Rubik's Cube. That's right, you read that correctly.

Very hard. I solved a 3x3x3 a while back. It took like 2 weeks. I remember it was a summer and I didn't have much to do, so I spent a lot of time working on it. I wrote notes about what kind of moves would change what blocks. Basically I started with what I learned from playing around with it for a while. With the 3x3x3, the middle block always stays in place for each side. The cube should be done layer by layer. Also, if you do the same move over and over again, eventually it will go back to its original orientation. So because I was always scared to ruin what I had already done, I would do the same move over and over until something small changed.

Trying to learn more things about the new 3x3x4. Some things I've learned:
- Middle blocks do not stay in place
- The blocks on the 3x3 sides (yellow and white) will never be found on the 3x4 sides, which has blue, orange, red, green vice versa
- It's easier (in my opinion) to work in layers, with one layer being a 3x4, so doing 3 layers, not 4.
- When twisting one way (along the 'long' way), there is only one possible way you can go. You can switch everything 180 degrees only. Twisting one more time will only get you to the same position you were just in.

Tomorrow will be a great day!

'You don't get many moments like this' - some movie I saw the other day
If you ask a girl to the dance, you'll get a yes or no. If you don't ask, it's always a no.

Monthly Challenge Update

My month full of pull-ups is half done. Supposed to do at least 15 a day. I've done 650 for an average of 46 a day. Things I've learned:
- Doing 15 pull ups probably takes about 1 minute to do
- It's easy to set aside 1 minute to do something every day.
- It's easy to set aside 10 minutes to do something every day.
- Wide grip is harder than close grip.
- Pull-ups >> push ups.

Art of Flight

Saw this snowboarding documentary today called Art of Flight. I really enjoyed it. Makes me want to do something extraordinary.

http://artofflightmovie.com/

You know it’s funny what’s happening to us. Our lives have become digital,our friends, now virtual. And everything you could ever want to know is just a click away. Experiencing the world through endless second hand information isn’t enough. If we want authenticity, we have to initiate it.

We will never know our full potential unless we push ourselves to find it. It’s this self-discovery that inevitably takes us to the wildest places on earth.

Update 10/9

Monthly Challenge is going well. I think I need to change it. Report is not happening for a while. Time to focus on my thesis. It's starting to feel really good to work hard again.

'If you can make it through the night there's a brighter day
Everything will be all right if ya hold on'
Tupac - Dear Mama

Monthly Challenges

Inspired by my friend Izzy & Super Size Me & Super High Me & Matt Cutts

http://www.ted.com/talks/lang/eng/matt_cutts_try_something_new_for_30_days.html

My October Challenge: Pull-ups every day. At least 15 a day.

Today I did:15

Also, I'm writing a report for fun about gambling. Stay tuned!

TED Talks

My friend showed me this cool website
http://www.ted.com/talks

Little short videos, presenters are given maximum 18 minutes, about all sorts of things, I just started looking at it.

http://www.ted.com/talks/ric_elias.html

Because if the wine is ready and the person is there, I'm opening it. I no longer want to postpone anything in life.

Dance

These guy are nuts!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JQRRnAhmB58

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LXO-jKksQkM&list=FLlBkUrFOcPYcQDy5t6N-n8g&index=1

Momentum

I might have had the best weekend of my life. I feel like I have so much positive energy now, and the momentum is just keeping me going. It's a good feeling. I don't want to write more because words would diminish the meaning.

Queen - Don't Stop Me Now
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HgzGwKwLmgM&ob=av2e

Bob Marley - High Tide Low Tide
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=enfTlBjXgl8

Forrest Gump

One of my favorite scenes ever.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iLkNPjbaPTk

Finite and Infinite Games Part 9

Last one!

Travel

Genuine travel has no destination. Travelers do not go somewhere, but constantly discover they are somewhere else…

Nature does not change; it has no inside or outside. It is therefore not possible to travel through it. All travel is therefore change within the traveler, and it is for that reason that travelers are always somewhere else. To travel is to grow.

Genuine travelers travel not to overcome distance but to discover distance. It is not distance that makes travel necessary, but travel that makes distance possible. Distance is not determined by the measurable length between objects, but by the actual differences between them. The motels around the airports in Chicago and Atlanta are so little different from the motels around the airports of Tokyo and Frankfurt that all essential distances dissolve in likeness. What is truly separated is distinct; it is unlike. “the only true voyage would be not to travel through a hundred different lands with the same pair of eyes, but to see the same land through a hundred different pairs of eyes” (Proust).

Finite and Infinite Games Part 8

Time

Each moment is not the beginning of a period of time. it is the beginning of an event that gives the time within it its specific quality. For an infinite player there is no such thing as an hour of time. there can be an hour of love, or a day of grieving, or a season of learning, or a period of labor.

An infinite player does not begin working for the purpose of filling up a period of time with work, but for the purpose of filling work with time. work is not an infinite player’s way of passing time, but an engendering possibility. Work is not a way of arriving at a desired present and securing it against an unpredictable future, but moving toward a future which itself has a future.

Infinite players cannot say how much they have completed in their work or love or quarreling, but only that much remains incomplete in it. They are not concerned to determine when it is over, but only what comes of it.

For the finite player in us freedom is function of time. We must have the time to be free. For the infinite player in us time is a function of freedom. We are free to have time. A finite player puts play into time. An infinite player puts time into play.

Finite and Infinite Games Part 7

Touch

Touch is a characteristically paradoxical phenomenon of infinite play.

I am not touched by another when the distance between us is reduced to zero. I am touched only if I respond from my own center- that is, spontaneously, originally. But you do not touch me except from you own center, out of your own genius. Touching is always reciprocal. You cannot touch me unless I touch you in response.

The opposite of touching is moving. You move me by pressing me from without toward a place you have already foreseen and perhaps prepared. It is a staged action that succeeds only if in moving me you remain unmoved yourself. I can be moved to tears by skilled performances and heart-rending newspaper accounts, or moved to passion by political manifestos and narratives of heroic achievement – but in each case I am moved according to a formula or design to which the actor or agent is immune. When actors bring themselves to tears by their performance, and not as their performance, they have failed their craft; they have become theatrically inept.

Finite and Infinite Games Part 6

Boundaries vs. Horizons

A boundary is a phenomenon of opposition. It is the meeting place of hostile forces. Where nothing opposes there can be no boundary. One cannot move beyond a boundary without being resisted.

This is why patriotism- that is, the desire to protect the power in a society by way of increasing the power of a society- is inherently belligerent. Since there can be no prizes without a society, no society without opponents, patriots must create enemies before we can require protection from them. Patriots can flourish only where boundaries are well-defined, hostile, and dangerous. The spirit of patriotism is therefore characteristically associated with the military or other modes of international conflict.

Because patriotism is the desire to contain all other finite games within itself- that is, to embrace all horizons within a single boundary – it is inherently evil.

A horizon is a phenomenon of vision. One cannot look at the horizon; it is simply the point beyond which we cannot see. There is nothing in the horizon itself, however, that limits vision, for the horizon opens onto all that lies beyond itself. What limits vision is rather the incompleteness of that vision.

One never reaches a horizon. It is not a line; it has no place; it encloses no field; its location is always relative to the view. To move toward a horizon is simply to have a new horizon. One can therefore never be close to one’s horizon, though one may certainly have a short range of vision, a narrow horizon.

We are never somewhere in relation to the horizon since the horizon moves with our vision. We can only be somewhere by turning away from the horizon, by replacing vision with opposition, by declaring the place on which we stand to be timeless – a sacred region , a holy land, a body of truth, a code of inviolable commandments. To be somewhere is to absolutize time, space, and number.

Every move an infinite player makes is toward the horizon. Every move made by a finite player is within a boundary. Every moment of an infinite game therefore presents a new vision, a new range of possibilities. The Renaissance, like all genuine cultural phenomena, was not an effort to promote one or another vision. It was an effort to find visions that promised still more vision.

Who lives horizonally is never somewhere, but always in passage.

Finite and Infinite Games Part 5

Culture

Deviancy, however is the very essence of culture. Whoever merely follows the script, merely repeating the past, is culturally impoverished.

There are variations in the quality of deviation; not all divergence from the past is culturally significant. Any attempt to vary from the past in such a way as to cut the past off, causing it to be forgotten, has little cultural importance. Greater significance attaches to those variations that bring the tradition into view in a new way, allowing the familiar to be seen as unfamiliar, as requiring a new appraisal of all that we have been – and therefore of all that we are.

Cultural deviation does not return us to the past, but continues what was begun and not finished in the past… Culture continues what Mozart and Rembrandt had themselves continued by the way of their work; an original, or deviant, shaping of the tradition they received, original enough that it does not invite duplication of itself by others, but invites the originality of others in response… culture does not have a tradition; it is a tradition.

The creativity of culture has no outcome, no conclusion. It does not result in art works, artifacts, products. Creativity is a continuity that engenders itself in others. ‘Artists do not create objects, but create by way of objects’ (Rank)

… Since art is never possession, and always possibility, nothing possessed can have the status of art… property draws attention to titles, points backward toward a finished time. Art is dramatic, opening always forward, beginning something that cannot be finished… Artistry can be found anywhere; indeed, it can only be found anywhere. One must be surprised by it. It cannot be looked for. We do not watch artists to see what they do, but watch what persons do and discover the artistry in it.

Culture is not therefore mere disorder. Infinite players never understand their culture as the composite of all that they choose individually to do, but as the congruence of all that they choose to do with each other. Because there is no congruence without the decision to have one, all cultural congruence is under constant revision… For this reason it can be said that where a society is defined by its boundaries, a culture is defined by its horizon.

More soon!

Finite and Infinite Games Part 4

Power, Strength, Evil

Let us say that where the finite player plays to be powerful the infinite player plays with strength…A powerful person is one who brings the past to an outcome, settling all its unresolved issues. A strong person is one who carries the past into the futures, showing that none of its issues is capable of resolution. Power is concerned with what has already happened; strength with what has yet to happen. Power is finite in amount. Strength cannot be measured, because it is an opening and not a closing act… power will always be restricted to a relatively small number of selected persons. Anyone can be strong… though infinite players are strong, they are not powerful and do not attempt to become powerful.

Evil is the termination of infinite play. It is infinite play coming to an end in unheard silence

Evil is not the acquisition of power, but the expression of power. It is the forced recognition of a title- and therein lies the contradiction of evil, for recognition cannot be forced. The Nazis did not compete with the Jews for a title, but demanded recognition of a title without competition. This could be achieved, however, only by silencing the Jews, only by hearing nothing form them. They were to die in silence, along with their culture, without anyone noticing, not even those who managed the institutions and instruments of death.

Finite and Infinite Games Part 3

Death vs. Life

A finite game must always be won with a terminal move, a final act within the boundaries of the game that establishes the winner beyond any possibility of challenge. A terminal move results, in other words, in the death of the opposing player as player…

death for a finite player need have nothing to do with the physical demise of the body; it is not a reference to a corporeal state. There are two ways in which death is commonly associated with the fate of the body: One can be dead in life, or one can be alive in death

Death in life is a mode of existence in which one has ceased all play; there is no future striving for titles. All competitive engagement with others has been abandoned. For some, though not for all, death in life is a misfortune, the resigned acceptance of a loser’s status, a refusal to hold any title up for recognition. For others, however, death in life can be regarded as an achievement, the result of a spiritual discipline, say, intended to extinguish all traces of struggle with the world, a liberation from the need for any title whatsoever. “Die before ye die,” declare the Sufi mystics.

Life in death concerns those who are titled and whose titles, since they are timeless, may not be extinguished by death. Immortality, in this case, is not a reward but the condition necessary to the possession of rewards. Victors live forever not because their souls are unaffected by death but because their titles must not be forgotten.

Soldiers commonly achieve a life in death. Soldiers fight not to stay alive but to save the nation. Those who do fight only to protect themselves are, in fact, considered guilty of the highest military crimes. Soldiers who die fighting the enemy, however, receive the nation’s highest reward: They are declared unforgettable Even unknown soldiers are memorialized- though their names have been lose, their titles will not be.

What winners of finite games achieve is not properly an afterlife but an afterworld, not continuing existence but continuing recognition of their titles.

Infinite players die. Since the boundaries of death are always part of the play, the infinite player does not die at the end of play, but in the course of play.

The death of an infinite player is dramatic. It does not mean that the game comes to an end with death; on the contrary, infinite players offer their death as a way of continuing the play. For that reason they do not play for their own life; they live for their own play. But since that play is always with others, it is evident that infinite players both live and die for the continuing life of others.

Death is a defeat in finite play. It is inflicted when one’s boundaries give way and one falls to an opponent. The finite player dies under the terminal move of another.

The finite play for life is serious; the infinite play of life is joyous. Infinite play resounds throughout with a kind of laughter. It is not a laughter at others who have come to an unexpected end, having thought they were going somewhere else. It is laughter with other with whom we have discovered that the end we thought we were coming to has unexpectedly opened. We laugh not at what has surprisingly come to be impossible for others, but over what has surprisingly come to be possible with others.

Finite and Infinite Games Part 2

Title

What one wins in a finite game is a title.

A title is the acknowledgment of others that one has been the winner of a particular game. Titles are public. They are for others to notice. I expect others to address me according to my titles, but I do not address myself with them- unless, of course, I address myself as an other. The effectiveness of a title depends on its visibility, its noticeability to others.

Some titles are inherited, though only when the bloodline or some other tangible connection with the original winner has been established, suggesting that the winners have continued to exist in their descendants. The heirs to titles are therefore obliged to display the appropriate emblems: a coat of arms or identifiable styles of speech, clothing, or behavior.

It is a principal function of society to validate titles and to assure their perpetual recognition.

Titles, then, point backward in time.

Infinite players look forward, not to a victory in which the past will achieve a timeless meaning, but toward ongoing play in which the past will require constant reinterpretation. Infinite players do not oppose the actions of others, but initiate actions of their own in such a way that others will respond by initiating their own.

The joyfulness of infinite play, its laughter, lies in learning to start something we cannot finish.

I don’t live this life for recognition, for a title. No, that only shows what I have done in the past. What I’m really concerned about is the future. I live this life to know that the future is better off because I forced the universe to move in that direction. Let me live for hope of the future, not remembrance of the past.

Finite and Infinite Games Part 1

1. There are at least two kinds of games. One could be called finite, the other, infinite. A finite game is played for the purpose of winning, an infinite game for the purpose of continuing the play.
2. If a finite game is to be won by someone, it must come to a definite end. It will come to an end when someone has won...

Finite Games are the familiar contests of everyday life, the games we play in business and politics, in the bedroom and on the battlefield- games with winners and losers, a beginning and an end. Infinite games are more mysterious- and ultimately more rewarding. They are unscripted and unpredictable; they are the source of true freedom.

The rules of the finite game may not change; the rules of an infinite game must change.
Finite players play within boundaries; infinite players play with boundaries.
Finite players are serious; infinite games are playful.
A finite player plays to be powerful; an infinite player plays with strength.
A finite player consumes time; an infinite player generates time.
The finite player aims for eternal life; the infinite player aims for eternal birth.

Watch The Throne

Just bought Watch The Throne, the new cd by Jay-Z & Kanye West. I've only listened to it once through, so opinions may change later. I think usually for Jay-Z, I need to listen to a song several times before I get a grasp on how I like it. But once through, here are my first impressions:
- this is one of the most disappointing albums I ever purchased, probably the most disappointing (doesn't mean it's the worst album)
- kanye is getting better. Ever since his first album hes been going down, here is my ranking of his work: 1) College Dropout, 2004 2) Late Registration, 2005 3) Graduation, 2007 4) Watch the Throne, 2011 5) My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy, 2010 6) 808s & Heartbreak, 2008. With a huge huge gap between 4 and 5.
- Jay-Z is really cool. I thought Kanye could ruin the cd with autotune/ all the garbage music he's been making for the past couple years, but Jay-Z did his thing as king, Kanye as jester.
- I think the album favored Kanye, basically his music and they did a lot of back and forth rhyming where Kanye could just spit out random one line punchlines, his strength. But Jay-Z destroyed him in pretty much every aspect, he might be the second best rapper alive (Eminem is #1 in my mind)
-They worked well together, you could tell they both put time and effort into doing it.
- I've heard that Jay-Z never writes his rhymes, I wonder if he did with this because some of his stuff was going off what Kanye said, so I feel like some planning was needed.
-Favorite song - Otis    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BoEKWtgJQAU&ob=av2e
-I like 3/16 songs on the album, this will probably change in time
- I was expecting 'harder' songs, I thought the beats could have been better. That being said, they both did a good job talking about how awesome they were, as usual.
-The last cd I bought - Distant Relatives, another collaboration with Nas and Damian Marley. I liked that one better than this one. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OMGd3mAfl-0&ob=av3e

Muhammad Ali

Impossible is just a big word thrown around by small men who find it easier to live in the world they've been given than to explore the power they have to change it. Impossible is not a fact. It's an opinion. Impossible is not a declaration. It's a dare. Impossible is potential. Impossible is temporary. Impossible is nothing.

I hated every minute of training, but I said, 'Don't quit. Suffer now and live the rest of your life as a champion.'

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7-5_8af3TiY&list=FLsaQ0A_fstPU&index=60

James P. Carse

I'm reading this book by James P. Carse, Finite and Infinite Games. It's a hard read, you can tell this guy has thought a lot about what he writes. He sounds incredibly smart, and writes that way, too. It's taken me a while just to get through a quarter of the book. His writing makes me think a lot. In a good way. Here is a blog post he had a couple years back.

    Serious believers are generally eager to supply you with a catalog of their dearest convictions. They do not just hold positions, they declare them. It is of great importance to them that you know their views. And they are usually presented in a way meant to convince you of their truth, as if your own are variant, if not plainly false. Notice that their beliefs look in two directions at once: every one of them is perfectly matched with a corresponding unbelief. They are as concerned with what they do not believe as with what they do. Belief, in other words, is always belief against. 

    Because beliefs are so well matched with their opposites, they not only focus on the resistance of others, they are dependent on it. When that opposition fades so does the passion with which one’s own belief is held. To be an atheist you will need to find just the right theist to face off against. How could one deny the existence of God unless someone supplies a God that can be denied? The odd consequence of this is that one cannot be a believer without simultaneously being an unbeliever. Believing is an inherently self-contradictory act.

    For this reason, belief can flourish only in situations of collision. And when belief flags, the only way to reanimate it is to provoke hostility in an other. It is a little like the fundamental insight of AA that alcoholics do not drink because circumstances caused it, but cause circumstances that provide an excuse to drink. Belief is a kind of narcotic. It is a state of being inebriated with certainty and reassured by a supporting company of friends—but possible only when an outward excuse can be created. Panslavism, to cite a typical belief system, has been wonderfully strengthened by the military intervention of Americans and western Europeans into the conflict over Kosovo—an issue Serbia worked hard to initiate. There is no thrill for patriots without a dangerous enemy to struggle against. If one doesn’t exist, make one. Iraq, for example?

    Notice that no mention has been made of religion. Contrary to popular thinking, religion has very little to do with belief. One could be a believer (a Marxist, a white supremacist, say) without being religious. One could be religious (see Buddhism) without being a believer. More on this in future blog posts.

Seven

From the movie Seven

John Doe

Innocent? Is that supposed to be funny? Look at the people I killed. An obese man, a disgusting man who could barely stand up... who if you saw him on the street, you'd point so your friends could mock him along with you. Who if you saw him while you were eating, you wouldn't be able to finish your meal. After him I picked the lawyer. And, you both must have been secretly thanking me for that one. This was a man who dedicated his life to making money by lying with every breath he could muster... to keeping rapists and murderers on the streets...

A woman... so ugly on the inside that she couldn't bare to go on living if she couldn't be beautiful on the outside. A drug dealer... a drug dealing pederast, actually. And, don't forget the disease spreading whore. Only in a world this shitty could you even try to say these were innocent people and keep a straight face.

That's the point. You see a deadly sin on almost every street corner, and in every home, literally. And we tolerate it. Because it's common, it seems trivial, and we tolerate, all day long, morning, noon, and night. Not anymore. I'm setting the example and it's going to be puzzled over and studied and followed, from now on.

Change

Our job is to spark somebody else watching us. We might not be the ones. But let’s not be selfish, and because we not gonna change the world not talk about how we should change it.

I don't think I'll change the world, but I guarantee I'll spark the brain that will change the world.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o8Y9-JlSRXw

Commercials

I've realized this blog has been too serious. I need to mix it up. It's weird, humans are the most intelligent species, but I feel like we're also the only ones who can't figure out that life should be fun, it should be enjoyed. So here are a couple of commercials I have enjoyed recently.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gHebuF8tNEM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BP5QZNhGsF4

'I won't work for weeks'
'His best movie is probably a tie... between all of them.'

Upside Down

Isn’t it kind of backwards how we progress? So many times people are driven to move forward by being told that they can’t. They decide that when someone says no, that’s the time to say why not? It’s odd we often use discouragement as motivation.

I’ve heard it before – ‘You can’t do everything’. Very true, I’ll never try to argue that statement. But the statement is so misleading. Nobody can do everything, but everybody can do something. A lot of times this voice inside my head allows me to think I can’t do everything which turns into me thinking I can’t do anything. And ultimately I pick some mindless, insignificant cop-out to justify my laziness. But it’s important to ‘never mistake motion for action’ and realize that real action generates inspiration, many times to both you and those around you. It may be impossible, but sometimes trying to do everything can lead to great things.

‘Who’s to say, I can’t do everything, well I can try’

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dqUdI4AIDF0&ob=av2n

Black Holes

Someone once told me not to let ‘black holes’ develop in relationships. A fight or problem creates this darkness that only gets darker as you let it develop through time. The longer you stay away from the problem, the bigger the hole gets. Sometimes you get sucked in. you let the problem consume you, it’s all you think about and you can’t let it go. Other times you run from the problem, and the farther you stay away from it, the harder it is to go back. Eventually, you look back and you see this giant black hole and say ‘I wouldn’t touch that with a 10 foot pole.’ You might even forget what the original commotion was all about. You just see this whole bunch of nothing, some mysterious place you’re afraid to go back to.

I didn’t heed the advice, I ran for years. I looked back and realized how foolish it was, how terribly I handled the situation. I lost a lot of friends because of a book. I opened it up this week to find a present for someone else, but I also found some memories to help patch up the hole. Happy birthday, Kat. I have nothing but love for you, always.

May the Lord make your love increase and overflow for each other and for everyone else, just as ours does for you. 1 Thessalonians 3:12

I thank my God every time I remember you. Phillipians 1:3

Don’t let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith, and in purity. 1 Timothy 3:4

Short and Simple

Music is a heartbeat

Auto tune is white noise

Tv is a drug

Laziness is the devil

Church is a sandbox

Life is Love

Love is selfless

Hate is baggage

Dreams are for real

Pride is a disease

Laughter is medicine

Money is confusing

Respect is everything

Friends are invaluable

Nature is beautiful

Courage is developed

One is all it takes

Now is the moment

Today is about each other

Tomorrow is 48 hours’ yesterday

Action is a snowball

Perfect is not a destination

Complicated isn’t intelligent. Complicated isn’t fun.

Simple is not dumb. Simple is not boring. Simple is not easy

"There's never nothing going on. There are no ordinary moments." 

Friends

Life is uncertain. It's crazy thinking about what will happen after school, maybe moving out to some place where none of my friends are. But my friends are certain, and I'm lucky to have each one I have.

"Even though we've changed and we're all finding our own place in the world, we all know that when the tears fall or the smile spreads across our face, we'll come to each other because no matter where this crazy world takes us, nothing will ever change so much to the point where we're not all still friends."

Quotations

Many of my ideas are not original. I take a lot of things from other people, I really enjoy reading people's quotations, and a lot of me is based on what I take in from others. I remember I used to not like showing my 'favorite quotations' because I felt like my favorite quotes were a part of me. And if I show a part of me, I might get judged. People might see me in a different way. Not necessarily a bad thing, but something I didn't really want. Another reason I didn't share was because some of these quotes are so personal to me. They are what made me unique, made me who I am today. If everybody knows the sayings I live by, and they adopt those principles, then I just become less and less of an individual. I didn't want everybody to see all the things I've been exposed to. I've realized what a selfish thought that is. If anyone can benefit from something that helped me, why not share it? So I will start sharing, I hope that people will find these as useful as I have.

"Only a life lived for others is a life worthwhile."

Wake Up Song

Everybody should have a wake up song. A song you can listen to as soon as you wake up and be ready to start your day. In high school, my wake up song was Beautiful Day by U2, even though I didn't really like the song.

When I first got my car, I would drive to school but wouldn't park in the student lot. I would park on the street, almost always behind the same car. The car belonged to some guy who lived across the street, and I would probably see him at least twice a week as I parked. He would get into his car (it was a convertible) and play Beautiful Day, every single time. I never heard any other song from that car. At first, I didn't really think anything of it. But after a few times, I realized that was the only song he listened to. Not only that, he would get into his car for this one song, rock out to it (playing drums on the steering wheel), then he would go back inside. I wasn't a huge fan of the song, but seeing his passion got me pumped up for the day. I ended up being his secret fan club, always sticking around to listen to his song if I was there. I love the song now, but not as a song. Because when I listen to it I don't hear words, I hear drumming on a steering wheel. I don't see Bono, I see a man in sandals happy to see the daylight. I feel the rhythm, not of the song, but of my heart telling me to conquer today. Music is powerful.

Wake up song right now: If I had eyes- Jack Johnson
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bBclnEx2K_I

Keeping touch

I've made some great friends in the past years, but I've also lost touch with a lot of people. It sucks thinking about all the people you've been close to and don't talk to anymore. A lot of times I think, "that's life, things change, priorities change." But then again, I know if I put a little more effort in, things could be different. If only I could talk to my younger self...

If you're someone I've lost touch with, give me a call/ send me a message. The longer it's been, the sweeter it will be to hear from you.

What matters about me is sacrificing for you, for the ultimate goal, which is us.

Right now I represent 23 years on this planet, and I've decided it's time to give my report. I've never really blogged or kept a diary, it's a weird concept and I really don't know how this whole thing will go. But I hope that if anyone decides to read, maybe they can benefit from me. I'm a pretty private person, so it will be hard to me to write about things close to my heart. Hopefully when I do, my sacrifice will help us progress into better people.

Current Inspiration: Ray Lewis, I think watching this video can give a good insight on why I started this blog.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BxlSqEHwQFs