2011 in Review

2011.

What a great year. I'd have to say, one of the best of my life (if not the best). Felt like a movie. Didn't start off great. Heartbroken, lost, lonely, cowardly, whatever you want to call it. Didn't look pretty. Through the first months it was a lot of finding myself, losing myself, losing control, regretting a lot of actions but at the same time learning a lot. Times where I can pinpoint the exact moments when I realized things would never be the same.

But that's the beauty of 2011. It was a complete come up. As Tupac said, 'Everything's a come up. Everything is a struggle. You start from the bottom, work it to the top.' I developed a new plateau in mindset, a new standard of living, a new standard of moral obligation, a new standard of hard work, diligence, persistence, consistency. Starting over, with love, with passion, with all my heart.

And I ended the year on the opposite side of the spectrum. Happy as can be, not much I could complain about. Do I wish things were different then? Sure, I made mistakes. I wish I could go back, prevent unnecessary troubles. I wish I could tell my old self what to think, what others were thinking. Actions I needed to take, traps I needed to avoid. Do I wish things would be different now? Sure, I wish I had second chances with an old friend, a new friend, my dream girl, hell, even a stranger. Am I scared for the future? Sure, who knows if I made a good career choice, if my future family will be affected by my actions, who knows if I'll ever be the same with certain people, who knows if I'll meet another girl who seems perfect for me? Am I smarter/wiser now? I hope, but who knows? I'm still young, there's less than a handful of things I know I want in this life, and I have no idea how to get there. I may have done well in school, but when it comes to life, I feel pretty far behind on where I need to be.

But that's just me reflecting. Ask me if I'm sad, if I'm bitter, even regretful, and my answer is no. This was a one of a kind experience that I needed at this point in my life. I witnessed so much in others and in myself. Love, hate, negligence, obliviousness, prioritization, favoritism, friendship. I've witnessed demons, I've felt the devil at work. But I've also been lifted by angels, brought in by those that matter. Can you believe that? It's 2011 and we still have a prodigal son in the making.

This is all pretty vague, I know. If you're interested in knowing details, let me know. I'd love to share, but this kind of thing I feel is important to say in real time. It's important for you to hear/see/feel me. What happened to me this year was real, I want you to experience it with me.

I'm happy with the year, if you were in my life in any way, I'm grateful. I can't wait to see what 2012 has in store. Big changes are coming, I'm fighting to make it the best year for us. Here we come!

2011 Albums

So I was reading Rolling Stone the other day and it was listing these 'great' albums of 2011. I wrote some of them down, including: Radiohead, Decemberists, Fleet Foxes, Cage the Elephant, Das Racist, Panda Bear, The Roots, Yelawolf. I went home and listened to most songs on Spotify (which I recently downloaded, it's pretty cool). I was really surprised at how bad all of them were. I usually don't like the super popular radio hits, but I figured I'd at least find a few songs that I liked in there. But wow, these all sucked. Who knew out of all of those I would say that Yelawolf was my favorite? Seriously, this guy?

What a clown. But the album was way better than I thought it'd be, I guess Eminem knows talent.

Also, Troy Barnes from Community, that guy can rap too. Rap name is Childish Gambino, taken from a Wu-Tang Clan Name Generator. Camp is probably my favorite album of the year. Maybe I'm biased because I like his character on Community, but I think he is actually really talented as a rapper. Lots of metaphors, lots of clever puns. If you want to hear some of my favorite songs: Bonfire, You See Me, Sunrise, That Power.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xJFBGpCNvRQ

The top comment for the song is funny: 

this entire album is just a quirky nerdy guy unleashing his inner gangster rapper, and no matter how loud and dirty it gets, his inner nerd always presents itself. and holy balls is it fantastic.

LCD Soundsystem - All my friends

If the sun comes up, if the sun comes up, if the sun comes up
And I still don't wanna stagger home
Then it's the memory of our betters
That are keeping us on our feet

You spend the first five years trying to get with the plan
and the next five years trying to be with your friends again

And to tell the truth
Oh this could be the last time
So here we go
Like a sales force into the night

And if I made a fool, if I made a fool, if I made a fool
On the road, there's always this
And if I'm sewn into submission
I can still come home to this

If I could see all of my friends tonight...

I wouldn't trade one stupid decision for another five years of life

Reunion

Today there was a 5 year reunion for my high school. Kind of crazy how time flies. Didn't go to the reunion, it felt weird. First off, it's only been five years. I feel like I pretty much know what's going on with everybody who was important to me in high school. And if not, it's 2011, we have internet, we have facebook, we have so many means of getting in touch with people. If there was someone I really wanted to talk to/see, it could probably be easily arranged. It'd be fun to see some people, sure, but reunion just makes it sound weird to me.

I also feel like I might have this hidden insecurity buried deep in my mind. It's been six years since I played football, I'm sure people don't care about it now, I don't. But I felt like back in high school I let a lot of people down. Playing a crosstown rival, we're supposed to be competitive after getting whooped the year before. It's a weird feeling to have people chanting your name one minute and the next minute there's nothing but silence. A complete stop in time followed by a slow realization that you can't do what you set out to do. I wish I had the moment back. I wish I never broke my leg, sometimes I wonder what the game/rest of the season would've been like if I didn't. But even after the fact, I wish I would've done things differently. I let the trainers control too much, I shut down. And I let it get worse in the following weeks/months. But I learned a lot from it, I guess it made me stronger, made me a better person.

Back to the point, I let down a lot of people, in my mind at least. I couldn't look at some people without wondering what they really thought of me. Looking back, it was kind of foolish, I'm sure no one really cared. Maybe they did, maybe they didn't. Maybe that's what's keeping me from wanting to see them again. Maybe it's just because I hate asking the same questions to a bunch of people I won't see until the next reunion. Maybe it's just because it's been five years.

Unstoppable Movement

TED Talk on starting a movement

http://www.ted.com/talks/lang/en/derek_sivers_how_to_start_a_movement.html

with the actual video with sound
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GA8z7f7a2Pk&feature=related

the TED Talk is actually very interesting. If you want the sparknotes for it:
- The first follower is an underestimated form of leadership
- A leader without followers is just a crazy person
- A movement must be public. It's important not to show just the leader, but the followers. Because new followers emulate the followers, not the leader.
- If you really care about starting a movement, have the courage to follow and show others how to follow. And when you find a lone nut doing something great, have the guts to be the first one to stand up and join in.

Real talk.

Monthly Challenge Update

December's challenge was to write every day. I was originally planning on writing to one person a day, but didn't work out that way. It's been taking a lot longer than expected to write a lot less than I was hoping. It's hard to write to people when you haven't done it in a long time (or at all), even if those people are the closest ones to you. It's become awkward for me to just tell someone that I appreciate them, I love them, that my life is better because of them. And that's a problem. People need to know. There's too much negative energy floating around in this world. We need our friends to lift spirits, we need each other to show we're wanted, to show there is love. Evil, neglect, insincerity will take care of itself. They'll find their way to our door. Trust me, they don't need anybody's help. They'll attack us daily, whether we're ready or not.

"But I see now that whether I show up for work or not, the evil forces are going to beat me. They're going to come 100 percent, so if I don't be 100 percent pure-hearted, I'm going to lose. And that's why I'm losing..." - Tupac

Friends don't need reminders of what they can't do. Friends don't deserve negative energy from us. Not saying that as friends we should never reveal anything bad about each other, but there's definitely different ways to voice your opinion, to tell someone you don't like what they're doing .

Positive energy. From a pure heart. With love.

"Every day I'm breathing, it's for us to go further." -Tupac

Dreams

I've been having intense dreams lately. I feel like I'm going crazy, I don't really know if I should explain any of them to people because they're so ridiculous, but at the same time they make me worry so much.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s4G4mcYOXMA

Riot in a Dream | What does it mean when I dream about riot?

To dream of riots, foretells disappointing affairs. To see a friend killed in a riot, you will have bad luck in all undertakings, and the death, or some serious illness, of some person will cause you distress.

It's 3 AM and I wanna go to bed, I got a lady, running through my head... - O.A.R.

Last night I saw you in my dream, now I can't wait to go to sleep - Kanye

Future

Decided on my job earlier this week. Took a big 'pay cut' to work in San Diego rather than Seattle. It was a really tough decision, really tough thinking about my future, how much money I'll make, what kind of life can I provide for my family, my kids. Growing up I always thought I didn't need much money, I didn't really care about the high status jobs. But when the situation finally came up, it was a lot harder to decide.

Ultimately, in life I just want to be happy. I want my friends and family to be happy, and I think that's about as far as it goes. If I can work on that, my life can be considered successful. Hopefully, money won't be an issue, hopefully I won't be raising my kids in the future thinking, what if I took the Boeing job?

Something I wrote a while back: I don't live this life for recognition, for a title, No, that only shows what I have done in the past. What I'm really concerned about is the future. I live this life to know that the future is better off
because I forced the universe to move in that direction. Let me live for hope of the future, not remembrance of the past.

'I cannot afford to waste all of my time making money.' - Louis Agassiz

You can do it

Who says you can't?
No one can gauge your heart. No one can tell you how much you can and can't give.

"That's once again the same people who told me I was too small, the same people who said I couldn't win a Super Bowl with our offense, the same people who said I couldn't play in a 3-4... are they with me when I get up every morning at 6:30 to go to work?" - Ray Lewis

November/December Monthly Challenge

November is done! I'm pretty happy to be done with it, this month wasn't as much fun as expected.

Pictures are fun sometimes. But it's not supposed to be a chore, life shouldn't be experienced through a lens.

Excited for December's Monthly Challenge. I will be writing a letter/ working on writing a letter every day.

"You are never too old to set another goal or to dream another dream." - C.S. Lewis